counting the gifts...

Gratitude.  

That is what is on my mind and in my heart right now.  Yesterday was a bittersweet day.  More sweet than bitter I should say.  You see on February 19, 1985 I went in for a routine pregnancy check up and the doctor could not find the heartbeat of the baby I was carrying.  I was sent for an ultrasound to check on the baby's well being.  The technician said not a word about the results... I was told to come back for the doctor to interpret them for me.  Tom and I went to the movies, ate some lunch, and went back to the doctor's office.  When we finally sat down with the doctor we were given the news that our baby was no longer alive.  

We were devastated. 

 It was truly one of the worst days of my life.  I thought I would never be happy again. Never.  The doctor went on to explain that he wanted me to go into labor on my own if possible.  And he also shared that not only had my baby died that day...but his best friend died as well.  He left to attend the funeral and be with his friend's family in a neighboring state for a few days.  I waited from the 19th to the 22nd to see if I would go into labor on my own.  When he returned, on the 22nd, I went back in to his office and he scheduled an appointment at the hospital to induce labor.

Our first child and only daughter was stillborn that night.

It amazes me that we have two sons.  I have been pregnant five times.  Two stillbirths just ten months apart in 1985...then Nathan was born in 1987.  Two years later I had a miscarriage...and nine months after that miscarriage Spencer was born in 1990.  So here we are twenty-seven years after Patricia Kaye was stillborn.  I am so grateful to be able to say that I am the mother of two living children.

Two incredible young men, Nathan, 24, and Spencer, 21, are alive and well.  

2006 Family photo in Krasnodar, Russia

2008 Spencer and Nathan in Dana Point, California,USA

2010 Spencer and I in Istanbul, Turkey

2011 Nathan's visit to Belize

Nathan and Spencer are two of the greatest gifts in my life.  I am so fortunate, so blessed, and so grateful to God for bringing them into being.  My heart is glad.  I am overwhelmed with joy as I realize how far we have come as a family.  Nathan's birth brought us hope and restored our faith.  Spencer's birth was cause for rejoicing and celebration...as our family was now made complete.

So this week I may have times of sadness as I remember and reflect on the days spent waiting for Patricia's stillbirth to occur.  But, I also know that I will spend these next few days rejoicing and giving thanks for the sons that filled our hearts and our home with love and laughter.  

    521.  the gift of Nathan.

    522.  the gift of Spencer.  

    523.  the precious gift of life.

    524.  the beautiful gift of family. 

    525.  the restoration of joy.                                                                                                      

 joining in with the gratitude community:

I surrender what is convenient for me...

The most important thing that we surrender is our own self-- our desire to control our lives. Of course, we don't surrender and go into a vacuum. We surrender something in order to cling to God only. Surrender is the means to enjoying more fully the most beautiful thing in our lives--our joyous love relationship with God.

~Ajith Fernando from his book The Call to Joy & Pain

I would love to be able to say to the world that I am fully surrendered to His will and that I cling only to Him.  That sounds like the true heart attitude that a missionary should possess.  But, honestly, I don't fit that ideal.  I still nurse a childish desire to control my own life.  I cherish comfort. What I really want is a surrender that doesn't require sacrifice.  If I could just rest assured that all things will turn out according to what I think is best it would be easier to give Him control.  Do you ever feel that way?

I have a deep desire to be able to say (like Paul in Galatians 2:20) "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."   I love singing the words to the old hymn I Surrender All.  However, I know my head is saying "I surrender what is convenient for me".  

As each day of 2012 ticks by I understand more about why my word for the year is Surrender.  There is still so much more for me to relinquish.  There are still so many areas of my mind and heart that need to be transformed into His image.  Tom teaches that authentic forgiveness is not an event but a process.  I am convinced that true surrender is also a process and not an event. As I mature spiritually I realize how much more of my self there is to let go of before I can claim to have been crucified with Christ.  

God stays the same as we grow up spiritually...but we change.    

Stage one of my surrender began when I was ten years old.  I went forward to the altar a few weeks after Easter back in 1973 and gave my life to Him.  At 16, I renewed that childhood vow.  At 21, I learned about Christ being Lord of my life and not just my Savior.  By the age of 35, I came to realize just how much I don't know or understand about His mercy and grace.  Today, a few months shy of 49, I acknowledge that I still have far to go.  God is not finished teaching me and molding me into the person that He has called me to be.  

 What stage of surrender are you at in your walk with Him?

Belize or California?

Can you tell the difference?

thought for today...

Take a good look at God's wonders---they'll take your breath away.
Psalm 66:5
The Message

How often do you look at the ground?  

Are you so focused on the path ahead that you miss what is right at your feet?  

Each time we go for a hike in Guanacaste National Park  I have no idea where to look.  Whether I look up or down, side to side, or straight ahead, there is so much to see.  God's wonders are everywhere.  Each detail of His creation is worth taking note of...His handiwork is amazing.  Sometimes, I forget that I am also a wonder of His.  Having lost two children I know firsthand that each child born alive is a miracle.  

You are a wonder of His. 

You are His handiwork.  

You are amazing!

May you take the time to take a good look at God's wonders...

including yourself and those around you. 

May you surrender your gaze to Him. 

And may He truly take your breath away.

linking up with:

Love Mapping...

Where has your love map taken you and your Valentine?

These maps show a snapshot of our journey over the past 30 years...

Wichita, Kansas

Where we met, married and began our family.

Costa Mesa, California

Where we bought our first home and raised our sons.

Krasnodar, Russia

Where we all learned to work as a team.

Belmopan, Belize

Where we are now...still serving but as a team of two.

I hope that wherever you are today.. that you will get to enjoy some time with your Valentine!  

And whether you have a special someone  or not always remember that:

Happy Valentine's Day!!

PS. Yesterday I had a guest post of mine featured over at The Watered Soul.  I wrote about some of the  lessons we have learned during our marriage.  Please head over to Wanda's blog and check it out.  

counting the gifts...

I am so tired from this weekend I feel as if I can barely put a sentence together.  

I have already re-started this post four times!

The conference was definitely a success and there are plans in the works to do it again next year. We are so grateful for the emotional and spiritual healing we saw take place, for the ah-ha moments some of the women experienced and for each woman who had the courage to come and speak the truth about her life.

Friday night Diana Shaw opened with the story of Gomer.  A different sort of love story.  Not one of a prince and princess but one of a harlot who became the wife of a prophet.  A story of redemption and of unconditional love.  One of the statements that seemed to resonate among the women was "if you don't address the issues of your past they will eventually lead you into sin".  There is a danger in living with unresolved issues.  It will affect not only you but those around you, especially your children and your walk with God.  Gomer could not handle her life as Hosea's wife.  She went back to her ways of adultery seeking gifts and care from lovers instead of from her husband.  But God instructed Hosea to take his wife back and to show her love once again.   What a blessing to know that there is always an opportunity for renewal with the Lord.  Hosea redeemed Gomer, gave her dignity, restored her position and gave her status.  And God can do each of those things for us as He lavishes His grace on us.

Saturday morning we had a talk from a woman who lived for 43 years with the secret of domestic violence in her home.  Her testimony of suffering at the hands of her husband truly hit a cord with some of the women.  And many were inspired by her honesty, courage and what God has done through her life.  

Tom's first talk was about how abuse and trauma in our lives affects our choices.  After Tom spoke we had lunch and then we separated into small groups for a time of discussion and of processing what we had been hearing.  There were 9 of us who were designated as small group leaders.  The small group time was truly eye opening.  Women were ready to talk about what they identified with, what they were learning and what they needed to change in their own lives to truly live the full life that God wants them to live.  

In the evening, following Tom's talk on forgiveness, those who were ready to begin the process of forgiving someone in their life were able to write that name down on a piece of paper and nail it to the cross.  

This was followed by communion.  And then we were dismissed for the night.  We heard stories the next day about women who went back to their dorm rooms and shared their testimonies with one another, and some of them stayed up until about 2am praying and singing together!

There were so many gifts from this weekend...

our hearts are truly filled to overflowing with joy over how God worked through this conference.

498.  Times of praise and worship with the ladies...

499.  gathering for meals together.
500.  whoopie pies for dessert
501.  homemade rolls
502.  fresh ice cream from Spanish Lookout
503.  times of prayer with a few of the women that were even sweeter than the ice cream we shared.

504.  different nationalities and ethnic groups coming together

505.  women from the Mennonite community joining us on Saturday. 

506. Tom being able to teach and use his gifts.

507. learning to accept interruptions no matter what form they take. 

508.  the sound of forgiveness being nailed to the cross

509.  hurts being transformed by Christ's work on the cross

510. being blessed by the serving team with great meals and hospitality

511. bonding in small groups

512. hearing testimonies 

513.  Powerful dramas showcasing how Christ intervenes in our lives.

514.  a beautiful love letter from God for each one of the ladies in attendance.
515.  unexpected gifts as thanks for being a small group leader.
516.  seeing women exchange numbers before leaving.
517.  churches who financially sponsored women from their congregations.
518.  a local woman who took in several children so their mothers could attend.
519.  the youth group clapping in support of each woman as her name was called to receive a gift for attending.  Their encouragement was spontaneous and so beautiful!
520.  knowing that we are in the right place and at just the right time.

joining in with the gratitude community:

The Healthy Woman

If you are in the area there is still time to come and join us!

The Healthy Woman Conference

 February 10-12, 2012 

YWAM Base, Roaring Creek   

Hosted By  

The Child Development Foundation   

Registration begins at 4:00 pm Friday, February 10. 

The conference will end at noon on Sunday, February 12.  

Saturday’s sessions are from 8:30 am - 9:00 pm   

Theme: 

The Joy of the Lord Is Our Strength   

Topics include:

Gomer: A Story of Hope and Redemption (Friday evening) 

Hope for the Battered Woman (Saturday) 

How Abuse and Trauma Shape Our Choices (Saturday) 

Pursuing Purity and Holiness in Singleness (Saturday)

The Path to Healing from a Past Abortion (Saturday)

The Power of Forgiveness (Saturday evening)

My Identity in Christ (Sunday morning)  

Our Speakers:

 Ms. Diana Shaw, founder/director of CDF and child advocate

Mr. Tom Sharp, Christian counselor and therapist 

Mrs. Dana Richards and Ms. Connie Oslund, post-abortion counselors

Mrs. Jadine Fritzler, CDF board member and conference coordinator

We are excited to see what God will do in the lives of the women who will be there this weekend.   

Please pray for those who will be attending...that it will be a safe and loving environment for each woman.  Pray also for all of the volunteers who are working hard to make this weekend a success.  Pray for good weather and for health for all of the speakers.  

Thank you! 

Which step have you reached today?

source

To quote my brother, Stephen, "if you're gonna talk about it...be about it!" 

 I have talked about getting healthy.  So obviously my next step was to be about it.  Since I wrote the post Determination today...better health tomorrow I've been walking consistently each week.  When we have an errand to run, if it is within walking distance, we choose to walk instead of taking the car.  I have finally made the shift in my head to telling myself I can do it instead of making an excuse as to why I can't do it.

And my reward for being about it?  

The weight gain has stopped!  At first nothing changed.  But this week I stepped on the scale and was down a pound.  But, the best part is how I feel.  Mentally and physically I feel so much better when I am able to get a walk in...even if it's a short one.  The week is not over yet and my goal is to get two more days of walking in this week. Can you guess what I am telling myself about that goal?  I can do it! 

Which step have you reached today?

thought for today...

In my wildest dreams I never thought that I would ever stand in Red Square.
  I never expected to see St Basil's Cathedral.

2005 was the year we sold our house, packed up our belongings, and moved our family to Russia.  We invested five years of our lives among the Russian people.  Learning the language, studying the culture, ministering where needed along the way.  We worked hard to understand life around us.  We worked hard to fit in with how our neighbors lived their lives.  We made friends that came to feel like family.  All the while  knowing we were foreigners...each and every day of those five years. 

The reality is that our journey as foreigners began long ago.  

Tom came to Christ at 13.  I came to Him at 10.

And I am reminded of the words of an old song from my church growing up. 

"I am just a stranger down here. 

This old world is not my home.

One of these morns you're gonna look for me, 

but praise God, I'll be gone on home".

For each of us, those who follow Christ,  we live abroad.  This earth is not our home.  We don't fit in here.  We don't belong here.  And much of the stress of daily life could be attributed to culture shock or culture stress.  

I have learned a great deal from our seven years of living outside of the US.  

Here are five of the lessons I have learned that I think we as Believers can apply to our lives:

I Must Adjust My Expectations-

I should not expect the people from another culture to act, think, or conduct themselves exactly like me.

I Must Moderate My Behavior-

I must remember that my actions are seen as representative of my home country to everyone I interact with.

I Must Give Thought to My Words- 

I teach others about my home country every time I open my mouth.  

I Must Adjust My Attitude-

I must learn to live in this environment and not expect it to bow to my values or my way of seeing life.

I Must Remember My Position-

I must remember that I am not a citizen of the country I am living in...I am just a stranger down here.

How do you see yourself as a foreigner where you are?

linking up with:

Tasty Tuesday...

I am thinking a trip to the bakery would be a good thing for today.

There are so many choices...breads, cakes, pastries...we still have not sampled everything!

counting the gifts...

My nose is stuffy. I feel achy and tired. I just want to breathe freely and think clearly again. I cannot tell if my allergies, sinuses, or just a common cold are to blame for how I feel.  Either way...I just don't feel good.

And yet, I feel so blessed.

475.  Thankful that Tom rearranged our schedule so that I could have an extra day to rest.

476.  Our house guest made it back home to the states safely.

477.  Super bowl commercials with Betty White in them.

478.  Time with Spencer and some of the YWAM staff.

479.  Seven of us watching the King's Speech together.

480.  Tom being asked to speak on a panel for the Christian Club at Galen University.

481.  learning a school chant at a pep rally before the panel started.

  

482.  contagious smiles

483.  watching the room fill with students 

484.  meeting the chairman of the university...who was such a gracious host.

485.  watching the students take notes as the men on the panel spoke.

486.  Listening to their insightful questions when the presentations ended.

487.  getting out to walk three times last week despite the rain.

488.  our monthly meeting with local missionaries here in the Cayo District.

489.  fresh honey from a local farmer.

490.  cups of hot tea on chilly rainy days.

491.  vanilla flavored soy milk 

492.  two more weeks of classes left for this session at Belize Bible Center.

493.  Pink hair bows, colorful beads, and the little girls at church.

494.  shoulders for little ones to lean on.

495.  learning that I am stronger than I thought I was...

496.  embracing a life of simplicity.

and

497. finding joy in being thankful.

joining in with the gratitude community:

Girl, if only this chair could talk...

Each week we have clients who sit in this chair.

Male, female, young and old...all with one thing in common...pain.

If this chair could talk you would hear it gossip about the intimate details of those who have suffered through various traumas.  Thank goodness that chair keeps the confidence of those who sit for an hour or so seeking relief.  

We cannot talk about the details either.  However, to update you and to ask for prayer I can say that this was a tough week.  We had a few new people in the chair.  Word of the counseling center is spreading and we have gotten referrals from schools and other programs in the area.  And we are grateful for that.  

Please pray for the teens here in Belize.

Pray for the children.

Pray for those struggling underneath the weight of a secret that they feel could destroy them or their families.  

Pray for more social workers to be appointed in our district. 

Pray for the lone social worker here in Cayo and her staggering work load.

Pray for students that Tom is currently training in the Christian counseling class he is teaching on Saturdays.

Pray for the upcoming Healthy Woman Conference that CDF is putting on next weekend.

Pray for us to have wisdom, insight and compassion to relate with each individual who sits in that chair.  

We truly appreciate your prayers...we are already seeing the payoffs of working here.  

We give praise for the referrals we have received.

We give praise for school principals who see the needs of their students and take action.

We give praise for foster moms, youth workers and teachers who care enough to intervene.

We give praise for the breakthroughs a few of our clients have experienced.

We admire the courage of those who choose to sit and share their pain with us.

We are grateful for each one of you who are supporting us with prayer.

Those petitions are truly valuable...and we cherish them!